Yesterday was one hell of a day. One of those days where if I wasn’t a mother, I would probably have ended up day drinking. Then again if I wasn’t a mother half of the shit that happened wouldn’t have. Needless to say, it was rough. Every time I accomplished something one of the children destroyed it in some way or another. From The Demon making sure his lunch ended up everywhere but his mouth to The Kraken puking on my favorite shirt. Not to mention the endless crying and whining. Don’t get me started. Days like today are what inspire this post. Because being a mother isn’t hard enough, why not throw in as many fucking curve balls as possible.
If you wear black, they will have a runny nose.
-It’s just how it goes. There is no escaping it. Let’s be real, though they are going to have a runny nose (and be sure to wipe it on you) no matter what you wear. If you’re lucky that’s all that will end up on you.
If you wear white, they will have dirty hands.
-Cheetos, ketchup, mud (or is that shit?)…something WILL end up on it. White is a forbidden color once you become a mom. I mean unless you would rather use an excessive amount of stain remover. It’s your choice really.
If you have somewhere to go, they will lose their shoes
-They will also have to poop, need a snack and probably have a meltdown once you finally start heading to the car. Once there you will realize you left your god damn purse with the keys in it inside of the house which you locked. Good times.
If you change them, they will poo.
-While that sounds an awful lot like a famous movie quote you may now, it’s not nearly as glorious of an outcome. I can tell you now that more often than not as soon as they have a fresh diaper on that adorable little bum, they will fill that shit right up for you (pun intended).
If you clean the floor, they will spill something.
-Countless times I have looked at the newly cleaned kitchen floor with pride (and a cup of coffee) just long enough to watch my toddler then drop his cup of juice. I’ve come to be great friends with Clorox Disinfecting Wipes and my Swiffer WetJet
If you put on a pair of socks, you will step in something that has been spilled.
-Who needs socks anyway? My kids sure as hell don’t think they do. It’s a luxury I have decided I can live without most of the time.
If you say it, they will repeat it.
-Every. Single. Time. It will always be the worst word they could possibly repeat that they choose to say over and over again. I’m guilty of letting one too many cuss words slip out of my mouth in front of my children. My toddler kindly lets people know they should Fuck Off. Way to go, mom. Way to go.
If you’re tired, they will not be.
-The reason mothers survive on coffee is quite literally the fact that children seem to have no understanding of time. 6 am on a Sunday seems like a great time to be awake if you are two and a half. Another great time to be awake? 12 am on a Tuesday night when you have somewhere to go early on Wednesday.
If you love them, it’s all worth it.
-No matter how crazy they make you or how tired you are, you will tuck them in at the end of the night and remember how much you adore them. You will look down at their sleeping little faces and smile with joy because of how much they fill your heart.
Tell me in the comments below your own Murphy’s Laws of Motherhood.
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